(Washington, DC) — The Trump Administration has announced a bi-partisan plan to ban what is being called “illegal fast shooting.” President Trump Tweeted, “Our administration is working to protect children, and in addition to banning un-great and un-awesome bump stocks, we will be regulating the use of fast fingers and other items like belt loops, but we will be preserving your second amendment, as there’s no one who loves the second amendment like me.”

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was quick to add, “I have directed the BATFE to use social media and YouTube to identify fast shooters and compile a list so that they can be informed of our intention to ban fast shooting, regardless of whether an object is used to assist in rate of fire or just a fast finger.”

Using world champion shooter Jerry Miculek as an example, Senator Diane Feinstein stated that she would take the legislation even further: “What the American public does not realize is that these fast shooters have years of training, which will not go away. I’m not suggesting a lobotomy at this time, but these individuals should be given the option of having their tendons severed, and if found in violation a second time, amputation. Let me be clear, I am not for registration of fingers, only a ban.”

Senator Charles Schumer stated that, “The skills held by Miculek and others are a danger to our society. We cannot have gun owners walking the streets, picking up their children and grandchildren at school, and shopping at the mall with the ability to fire eight shots from a revolver in a second, or 27 rounds in 3.7 seconds out of a 9mm semi-auto pistol, or to shoot a semi-auto AR-15 faster than a full-auto M-16, as Miculek does. This type of skill and behavior should be illegal and I, as well as Dianne, thank President Trump for his bipartisan leadership to rid the nation of bump stocks and fast fingers.”

Famous tattoo and TV personality Kat Von D, responded saying, “While I am against hunting, a registration program by which millions of gun owners would have to get their fingers tattooed with serial numbers for trigger-finger registration would help thousands of struggling tattoo studios across America.”

Regarding the other side of the crisis of fast shooting, CEO of Levi Strauss, Chip Bergh, stated, “Although we have no problem with strict gun control, the belt-loops on our jeans do supply a need of keeping the pants up. Belt loops should only be used as intended, and any misuse of belt loops should be strictly punished. We will not support any legislation which calls for the banning of belt-loops at the three o’clock or nine o’clock position. Levi Strauss does not endorse shooting guns while wearing Levi’s blue jeans, and I’m not even sure if this has been done in the past.”

It has been shocking for some Americans to find that almost full-auto rates of fire can be produced

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